“You must lose yourself to find yourself.”
I have been thinking a lot about what has been lost with illness. I have been chronically ill for years and there isn’t one aspect of my life that disease has not touched and taken away from. My work, friendships, career, mental health, social life, future goals, family, marriage, and ultimately my identity: this sickness has impacted everything. I am like a house after a fire, with every inch covered in ash. Every ache, pain and discomfort; every medication, vitamin, supplement, and doctor visit; every thought, worry, anxiety, and concern is a reminder of what has been taken from me -- what illness has done not only to my body but to my life.
I used to be outgoing, a spark plug, loud, funny and full of energy, always looking for the next goal to smash -- but I have been quieted and halted by disease. Illness has made me reticent, quiet and reserved, and in that quiet I am learning who I really am. Being sick has taken so much from me, but I am finding meaning in this loss. Illness has brought me to yoga and mindfulness and through this practice I am rediscovering myself. Mindfulness is an active, non-judgmental attention to the present moment. Yoga is a practice that aims to connect the body and mind through different postures. By being conscious of your breath and body sensations while practicing yoga, you practice mindfulness. In yoga practice, you must focus on your breath in order to control your body while in a pose. By focusing on the present, you become more aware of your thoughts and your own body. Through this awareness, through this focus on the present moment in your body and on your breath, you find healing and a sense of calm. Everyday, after my yoga practice. when I lay in Savasana (corpse pose), I repeat the following mantra: “I am grateful for this moment, I am grateful for this practice, I am grateful for this body, I am grateful for this breath. In gratitude, I practice.” I created this mantra through the practice of yoga because it was through yoga I was able to recognize my needs. When you are ill, your mind can turn against you and negative self-talk can become the norm, especially thoughts about what you can’t do and what has been lost. Sometimes you aren’t even aware that this is even happening. But with yoga and mindfulness, I am becoming more aware and that awareness has led to change. By practicing mindfulness and repeating my mantra, I am changing the way I think about myself and the way I talk to myself. This in turn has changed the relationship I have with my body and it has helped me refocus on what there is to be grateful for in this moment. With this practice, I have become more aware of what has been given, and less concerned with what has been lost. Yes, I have lost so much, but in that loss has been gain and recovery. Illness has stripped me of things that are most valued in society and through that stripping I have found myself. By practicing yoga, I have realized that illness has allowed me to be more present, more empathetic, a better listener, a better healer. Illness has allowed me to refocus on my passion for writing and in doing so redefine myself. Illness has given me experience that I can use to help others. Where I once was outgoing I am now more observant, more empathetic and more in tune with the pain of others. Illness has taught me that true meaning in life comes from the self, not from societal expectations. There are days I miss my old self deeply. Days where all I can feel at my core is that “I wish I wasn’t sick.” But by practicing mindfulness and yoga, I let go of what I can’t control and there is nothing I can do but grieve, remember, and embrace the new me, here, in this moment.
My journey of chronic illness has led me to seek out natural medicine and alternative approaches to healing. My health began to decline more so after the removal of my gallbladder years ago. Surgery led to a cascade of symptoms and diagnosis after diagnosis. Some of my illness is in part due to the endless painkillers, antibiotics, muscle relaxers and other medicines that were prescribed by my doctors for years prior to surgery for chronic pain. All my life, I believed that the way to get better was to take prescribed medicine by my doctor. But in reality all that medication was making me sicker and sicker. I did not understand then that Western medicine is less about curing and more about masking symptoms through medication. Prescription pills, combined with a poor diet of highly processed, high fat, high carb food and a sedentary, high stress lifestyle, along with past childhood trauma, had made me much more susceptible to chronic illness. I was overweight, stressed out, anxious and unhealthy but I had to get really sick to learn valuable lessons in how to take care of this body. I had to lose in order to gain. What I know now is that food is medicine and what we put into our bodies, and how we treat our bodies, impacts our physical and mental health. It may seem obvious but it was a difficult lesson to learn. I have lost almost 90 pounds, and have made significant changes in my life and although I am sick, I am on a better path than I once was. My eyes have been opened and illness has brought me to a healthier lifestyle. I am more aware of what I put in my body and am passionate about making good healthy food. Illness has brought me to yoga. Yoga has brought me healing and rediscovery of myself.
Sometimes, when I am tired and in pain, I hate getting on that yoga mat. I fight myself; I fight my body and my mind. They want to resort to my old ways but I know that I gain when I practice yoga and I made a promise to myself, and I intend to keep that promise. So I get on the mat anyways. Mountain pose, forward fold, warrior one, chaturanga dandasana, cobra, upward facing dog, downward facing dog, warrior two, utkatasana, chair pose twist, seated twist, savasana. Always savasana, the most sacred pose. With each pose and each breath I bring healing and new life into this body. I have learned about the power of breath: it is what grounds us, it is what heals us, it is what connects us to our bodies and to the precious here and now. Sickness has taught me to be mindful, to be present in the moment, focus on the now instead of the later or the before. It is through yoga and mindfulness that I am learning to love this body even with its limitations. It is through the breath that I heal. I did lose my sense of self but there is so much to be found in that loss.
