Life can be challenging at times, and it is during these times that a strong support network is appreciated. For those of us who have any sort of community or companionship to support us throughout it, we are blessed. It is the mere presence of company, of sharing space with another to let us feel we are not alone in this journey, that can grant us the sense of happiness and security we need to move on in life with vitality. Yet throughout my journey, I’ve come to understand that in order to truly expect to have harmonious relations with others that are honest, empowering, self-sustained, and beneficial for all parties involved, we firstly have to learn to be with ourselves. Otherwise, we are putting all of our energy into a sense of self that is defined by our connection to other people, while ignoring and sacrificing our own being in the process.
Throughout my life, I have always loved people. When you have friends to affirm your existence for you, everything feels right. In my younger days, having company was always such a natural and important part of my life: it truly felt like most everyone was my friend, and I felt much more comfortable within myself socializing and expanding out to all sorts of people, rather than sticking with any specific friend group. Although outgrowing friends in different life stages is a natural part of many people’s lives, there slowly came a time for me where it seemed that having a constant web of connections was a reality dissolving out of my life almost completely.
As much as I tried to reach out and grasp onto this ever-fading sense of support that I once felt was such an easy and abundant part of my reality, it seemed life had other plans for me, and more and more I found myself spending time alone. It was as if there was an energetic force between everyone and myself that simply would pull people from my space, and as much as I tried to resist and deny my aloneness, eventually I had to face the fact that my fate was beyond what my mind might think was best.
As I was forced to confront myself, it seemed I had no option but to confront what being alone meant: why exactly it was happening, and why I was resisting it. While my aloneness first led me into a very dark and insecure place of confusion, eventually I found a timeless power within myself that I would not have been able to find otherwise.
Rather than make myself out to be a victim, I learned to not only accept, but embrace what was happening. Life was not trying to put me down -- it was trying to lift me up into my true, full self. Over time it became clear that I simply needed the space to find out who that really was, and that growing up meant discovering what being alone meant for me with respect to those around me.
With that space, suddenly my friendships became a lot more authentic and in line with my true self. No longer was I merely hanging out with people to hang out with people, and although friendships were still tremendously important parts of my life, more and more was it ok that being true to my own self meant I had fewer friends, and that sometimes it was simply better to spend time alone.
I realized the reason I resisted being by myself initially was simply because I didn’t know what it was like to not be with people. Despite always having been independent, I had to truly face my inner strength and see if I could be content with nothing but the presence of myself, alone.
In becoming more sensitive to my own underlying insecurities, I realized that many of the times we simply hang onto our familiar social spheres because we don’t want to feel like we’re missing out, or we have a subconscious need to be validated by other people’s presence. As I came to terms with the fact that this kind of social culture is not what I wanted, I was given the opportunity to give myself the true unconditional company that I needed as an individual. Even though this was far from easy at times, here I found the most beneficial, empowering and enabling time of growth. I now had the space to find out what I truly wanted, and not just to conform or be comfortable amongst what was considered cool. While friendship is essential for the best quality of life, many of us can become dependent on others, using their presence as an escape from ourselves.
It is my feeling that we all, at some point of our growth, in one way or another, will be confronted with the possibility of needing to retreat from what we’ve known or become accustomed to in order to reconnect with our true inner selves. So if you find yourself losing touch with what you once thought defined you or that you found a sense of support and security from, know it means nothing about you or the people you are feeling less connected to, but is simply a process we all must undertake through life in order to truly find ourselves, and to find out who it is we are. It is through this process that we confront all that we have looked to others to validate and influence. Perhaps who we are is much deeper, greater and different than what we have the space to honor when in the constant presence of others, and that all we need is some space to accept that. Although it might be hard at first, there is nothing more important than taking the time out to be alone and honor who it is we as individuals truly are, as the self is the only thing we really ever have. Through establishing a positive internal relationship, we allow for all other relationships in our life to thrive from a place of self-sufficiency that is all the more rooted in love, and yet unattached to the tides of change. This is the essence of self-sufficiency, and what I believe is a most valuable key to a happy, healthy life. When we are happy as individuals, we are thus more able to contribute to society as a whole, as well.
